It's true that Life is totally capable of bringing us to places we never imagined we will ever be..

 

A new journey in my carefree and mellow life was waiting to begin, when it finally dawned on me that 37 is to be a good time, either then or possibly never, to become a parent by the way of an adoption. That sense of a purposefulness of lending help and providing a home to someone needy has strangely been the number one wish I had been hoping to realise since my younger days.

 

Of course it would have been perfect to manage an adoption as a family, who doesn’t want a picture perfect family hugging together showing their wholesome smiles on those travel albums? But just when Love is playing hard to get, leaving me feeling a tag too weary to be always on a lookout for that special someone, there came an heartwarming encounter of a group of beautiful cheerful kids at an overseas orphanage where I was volunteering, of whom were unable to find new homes. It must have been a sign when I was told by that orphanage on that same day of a hardly known fact that it is indeed possible to adopt an overseas child as a single parent in Singapore. 

 

Knowing myself that I do have a lot of love to spare, and better to do it while I am still physically and financially able, I went ahead to submit that thick stack of document needed on 11.11.11 and started the lengthy process on my own without any more hesitation, and although I was never quit sure how my future is going to be like, but i was, nevertheless, determined to leave behind a world where its used to be just about me and myself..  

 

Looking back, the adoption process took place much sooner than I ever imagined it to be - probably my previous records of charity efforts with overseas orphanages for the past 16 years helped to advance the approval time needed for the completion of home study report; and partly due to that I wasn’t placing a request for a local child, since I have no interest to compete with the many married couples who are insisting only for kids who are born Singaporean - intact, I didn’t have any preference or requirement for a kid, not with nationality, race or age, and was happy to to be assigned the first on the orphanage's list.. 

 

And a few more tedious months waiting for the day, I finally became an excited parent after meeting my then 5-months old son for the first time as he was brought into my house on the night of 29.2.12. It was not difficult to fall in love with him at first sight as he really has the sweetest smile in the world, of him being more Indian (those huge sparkling eyes) and more beautiful than I was expecting. With this new form of Love, Life suddenly moved from a mercenary world to one that was beginning to feel a whole lot more purposeful once again.

 

As a new excited papa who wanted to experience parenting in full, and also to reason to myself that a father can be as nurturing a parent as a mother, I went on to fulfil another wish of wanting to be a full time stay-at-home parent for the first 3 years, choosing to be hands-on on everything from changing diapers, bathing, cooking, to waking up in the nights every 2 hours to do the feedings. Although those early childhood parenting years were indeed fulfilling, but they were also very demanding and completely depleted me by the end of every single day. Yet, I counted on every single milestone of my son with pride - the first time he walks, the first time I heard him calling me papa! It’s in proud moments like those, that led me to fully understand how much love our own parents previously showered on us. It’s true parenting makes you a better person in many different levels.

 

By the start of my son's 4th year, I was all excited and ready for the next phrase of life as a parent - I started a brand new routine of sending him to a childcare centre every morning before starting work at my new corporate job, just like most other Singaporean parents do. I was determined to place all my energy on this new career, to once again prove my worth as well as to earn a better living for both of us, and my plan stretched far to include the needs of a education fund for his university in the future, or so I planned. 

 

Everything seemed to be going well at first, but just when I was starting to enjoy my more balance lifestyle as a working parent (what with a full hour’s lunch break!), I soon receive a life-changing call from his childcare teacher, one that confirmed my suspicion of him being different for the past one year, on a condition that affects his learning development and impairs his social interaction and communication skills, and that is the one call that would launch a completely new journey for me - as a parent of Autism.

 

I understand it’s crucial for my son to adopt a full early childhood intervention plan as soon as possible, and therefore I made a quick decision to quit my new job and return as a full-time parent again - This will allow me the time needed to accompany him through the lengthy diagnosis process, and shuffle him between the therapy sessions/ hospital appointments and attend AWWA school for special needs kids together with him, and to allow me the energy to stay up late into the nights reading up on everything about Autism that any parent needs to understand. 

 

There is no doubt he is my priority in life and I want to be there for him, but I have to admit the journey for the next two years proved to be the most challenging, more so when I was doing it on my own. It was but an overwhelming routine having to constantly deal with, on daily basis, massive frequent melt downs in public, non-communicative nature between us, sensory issues relating to food/ light/ sound, chronic constipation and frequent awakenings in the nights. I was also being completely depleted having to go after a kid who runs around in public space knowing no boundaries nor dangers and understands no rules in any social setting. 

 

Engaging myself on a rigid routine doing those repetitive activities with him often drive me crazy and left me dealing with the symptoms of generalised anxiety disorder, the most frequent being the inability to concentrate even on simple tasks; and its true at times I do feel so lost having to cope with all the uncertainty, and having absolutely no idea how this story of us is going to end.

 

Then, after spending another 1.5 years of undivided time on him without seeing any results, just at a time when I thought the future of us remained bleak and cheerless, there came a sudden skew of improvements - He started singing songs he learned years ago, able to jump and point a finger at something, and more amazingly he was beginning to show that he could grip a pen to spell out on paper all the words he came across. Slowly but surely, with whatever few words he knew, he began to verbalise his request, learned to pack up his own toys, remove his shoes, became more sociable and able to return clean from a trip to the toilet. I also see major improvements over his fine motor and body coordination skills, better stamina doing outdoor exercises, and most importantly his sense of security and confidence - although the road ahead is still long with a lot more room for improvement, but its amazing to witness that much advancement in many areas over what seemed to be a steeper learning curve in a short period of time.

 

Looking back on the long way we have came, I concluded that the constant effort, persistence and lots of involvement in an early intervention plan on the parent’s part are the most critical for any child's progress, and of course not forgetting the need to grow our hearts bigger each day to give them all the patient they need from us. But frankly, I wouldn’t have been able to do all these, nor survive the hardest day on this special journey, if not for all the sharing of their experiences from a few fellow Autism parents who are ahead of me, and more preciously, their constant reminders, encouragements and support - something that I will always remember and be thankful for. Its certainly true when they put in my mind that "The days are long, but the years are short"

 

And I feel like I have to return the favor, pershaps paying forward - and so I started the “OK to be Different” FB page to openly share some of my experiences of bringing up a special needs kid, about his obsession with Alphabets, prodigious memory, the screening process we went through, his therapy sessions, progress along the way, and talk everything about Autism, or least to share on what we know so far. The response was amazing - I get to know at least 30 more Autism parents through the Internet; many of them are new parents with younger kids who were feeling a little lost and confused by their child’s condition (just like how I used to be), and we shared our experiences dealing with rude stares, impolite comments and frequently hearing from others labelling us being not a good parent. Such exchange and support probably helped us remain sane and makes our journey a bit easier for all of us to know there are other parents going through the same as ourselves.

 

As the parents support group grew bigger, it occured to me that it would then be timely and wonderful to start creating a bigger awareness about Autism to the Singapore public, after all it affects one in 68 children and one in 42 boys - and the aim will be to share with the everyone that Autism is not mental retardation or a lack of intelligence, nor is it the end of the world; and to tell our kids that Life doesn't have to be perfect to be amazing - and there came my “OK to be Different” website, a place for me to record down and share the special journey I am taking with my son, including his development and all the milestones, not forgetting all the trips we took together to various villages and countryside where he benefited from bigger space to roam about and the more permitting weather to enjoy longer sessions of free play in nature, with more opportunities to socialize with local kids who are way more adventurous, thereby improving my son's confidence, sociability, motor skills and overall stamina. I also started the "OK project" and "100 cities project" on this website.

 

For myself, I am not too concerned nor afraid of labels (or having my son labelled as an Autism kid), and if anything, giving all those struggles of a special needs family a name would help to demystify the condition and make it clearer and easier a concept for others to understand, and would lead to more people talking about, and recognising it. All it's needed is that conversation - for when we begin to talk about it, it creates the awareness we desperately need, bringing attention to the issue, makes the topic a lesser of a taboo in our more conservative society, and helps to give those who feels alone a voice, a recognition and a much needed support. If everybody includes and understand this one word in their lives, Autism would be reduced to nothing but a celebration of a special talent for those unique kids.

 

And I wake up each morning trying to find more determination to continue where I have left off the day before - to grow a bigger heart and working towards my aim of becoming a better stronger parent; trying to help my son build new skills base on his strengths; to learn more about Autism and to contribute my however little effort to help create more awareness.

 

It’s just amazing how Life can effortlessly send you to the lows, compel you to deal with feelings of severe despondency, before propelling you back up to serve a purposeful existence once again.. and one that is more busy then ever.

 

Well, a parent was what I had chosen to be from the beginning, and very much a decision that I kept till today. Even though the ride can be rough at times, and it’s a journey nothing quite close to what I ever imagined it to be, but all the humbling is exactly what is needed to help me see this beautiful world from a different perspective, and it's true that this experience has made me a better person. 

 

Even if I am now given a choice to select another way of a life, I am so sure I wouldn’t want to change it to any other way

 

.. and certainly not with anyone else.